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What struck me more than the reported extreme behaviour and the impact this was having on his sense of mental wellbeing was that he named the source of the behaviour as an insecure attachment. The thing is that insecure attachment is a technical term to diagnose attachment aberration’s and I do think that most people who struggle in relationship with insecurity or not feeling secure have had experiences that may stem back to early childhood and such anxieties and difficult bevaviour may a reflection of a lack of feeling safe and cared for as infants.

A researcher called Mary Ainsworth in the 1970’s did a lot of studies on attachment and she devised that if children do not have a secure base or experience insensitive parenting may end up with a host of potential problematic experiences and response’s that unless managed or worked through will play out in adolescence and adulthood. There are many possible reasons for a parent to be incentive or inconsistent in their care thet may include parental depression, parental bereavement, parental abandonment, relationship abuse and stress, grief reactions, alcohol and drug use, mental health issues to name a few.

From the work of Mary Ainsworth, Mary Blehar, Everett Waters & Sally Wall Graphic copyright © 2000 Psychology Press Ltd

Regardless of the reasons for a rejecting or inconsistent parenting style the end result is a child who may struggle to feel safe and secure in themselves and as a result may have difficulty feeling worthy or safe. If this is the case and considering that 30% of adults will have had childhood attachment patterns that could be labelled as avoidant or resistant it is a concerning possibility that the young man’s partner I referred to earlier may be suffering from the aftermath of inconsistent or rejecting parenting style and now as adults they have no idea why they struggle in relationship as the reasons are totally out of the persons awareness. They may not even register that they are experiencing separation anxiety or have insecure attachment issues. They may be so immersed in a victim mentality where they see the world and everyone in it as being at fault or the cause of their pain. They just don’t get that the way that see others and process and make sense of things, like the need of their partner to have for space and privacy can ever be justified. They often see such needs as an attack on them and their entitlements. Often such needs for space and privacy are perceived to be threats to their emotional safety and the anger and control such people exhibit are tools used to keep their world secure and the attachment they have to other safe.

The above chart is an adaptation of Ainsworth work with infants. It shows as adults what to expect as responses when someone returns to their partners who may have an insecure avoidant, insecure resistant and insecure disorganized attachment patterns. From the insecure insecure avoidant attachment pattern you may expect to be ignored and not greeted. From an insecure resistant attachment pattern you may expect to be ignored and anger from being left alone or for leaving or going out. From an insecure disorganized attachment pattern you may experience confussion in that partner may seek you out but avoids your approaches to connect.

Bottom line is that if you are experiencing dramatic and bizarre reactions from your partner and such response’s do not make sense and you can’t fix the problems around independence, privacy, power and control you may be dealing with attachment issues that are deep seated and entrenched. That’s the bad news. The good news is that if you can recognise the patterns of insecure attachment you have already made steps to claim back some ground and get the professional help that may make a difference to your lived experience.

Chris Caruana
Couples Counsellor
aucklandcounselling.com
271 Kepa Rd, Mission Bay,
Auckland 1071, New Zealand
027 3187593

The post Attachment issues and the relationship difficulties they cause appeared first on Auckland Counselling: Chris Caruana.

Separation is never easy and the process can go terribly wrong but there are many things we can do to help avoid unnecessary pain. Acceptance that you are separating and having a willingness to do the best you can to help the process and acting with integrity are at the top of the list.

Once a decision to separate is made making contact with the Family Court co-ordinator to file for separation and to access resources and support services is a good idea. If children are involved then resources to help “Putting Children First” and doing a course to gain insight into what that means and how to do it is highly recommended. As parents and adults we often are so absorbed in our own issues and pain that children’s needs are often not considered and accommodated and gaining some insight into how to minimize harm and trauma for children is critical.

Managing children and assets with minimal chance of further conflict is so important for yourself and everyone involved. Finding a lawyer who is family focused and is working to ensure that contentious issues are minimized and not exacerbated is also critical. Getting good legal advice as to your rights and entitlements regarding property, assets and care of children does need to be done and finding a solicitor or family lawyer who can manage your entitlements and rights tactfully and delicately is crucial.

If children are involved, parental agreements and orders can be drafted by your family lawyer or a good separation / divorce coach. A good divorce and separation coach can be seen in conjunction to your family lawyer to help get practical things involved with separation sorted out further. They can also help you source experts that will help you through the legalities if needed.

The Family Court can also make mediation and or counselling services available to you. There are now costs associated with some of these services. If you don’t want to wait or don’t want to be allocated a counsellor or a mediator by the Family Court you may want to choose your own specialist support people to assist you manage the process. Dealing with unresolved issues, conflict and differences can be managed by an experienced and qualified relationship / marriage counsellor as can individual issues around anger, separation anxiety, loss and grief, maintaining support and connection and managing uncertainty.

Making big decisions and mediating agreements in a highly stressed and emotionally vulnerable state is not ideal. Making decisions and getting to agreement on important issues like property and assets in common, and or childcare arrangements is important. Breakdowns in this process can be very lengthy and extremely financially and emotionally draining to sort out. Lengthy arguments over entitlements ideally can be resolved through mediation with skilled family lawyers involved, to assist couples sort through the legal entitlements and to make decisions of this nature. If mediation breaks down the end result will be a potentially lengthy and costly court process where a judge will make decisions about what is fair and just.

If decisions about child care are unresolved and the mater is lodged in the family court, once again it will be a lengthy and costly process at the end of which a Judge will make a decision about what is best for your children. Children are the most vulnerable as they have so little say and control of the process and are often enticed to take sides and choose one parent over the other. Getting a judgement does not address what is fueling the hurt and anger and will often entrench the positions couples take and enhance the bitterness they experience. External judgments set parties up so that one wins and one looses. In reality both parties loose as do children. You stand to loose money and lots of it, as well as integrity, dignity, sleep and joy and these disputes can be drawn out over years. The only ones guaranteed to benefit from an embroiled legal process are lawyers. Getting your thinking “right” and processing things further through counselling and or mediation is the ideal. Counselling and Restorative Mediation can often help address and resolve the hurt and anger that gets in the way and often fuels distorted, unrealistic unsubstantiated views of personal entitlement and undermines the ability to see your ex partner as a sound or good or at least an adequate or safe parent.

The reality is that two people’s experiences and readiness to let go of a relationship are never the same. One party has usually made the decision on average two years prior to informing their partner that they intend to leave the relationship. By the time they do there is often so little invested in the relationship that all that is left is diving up the procession’s, getting child care arrangement in place and moving on.

Sounds relatively simple but so many things can complicate this process and many of these things are emotionally based such as shock, dismay, and a sense of overwhelming helplessness with what’s happening. Latter these feelings can be replaced with resistance to change, anger, resentment and at times sabotaging the process or revenge. Unanswered questions, hurt from being betrayed or mislead, seeing your partner with someone else, not being able to have access to your children are all things that can push us to our known limits of being able to cope and often beyond. Separation is a crazy making time and no one gets through it untouched.

Separation ranks second only to death of a loved one as life’s stressful experiences. There is a huge difference between intellectually going through the motions of separation and actually doing it and experiencing it. Our relationship with what was once familiar and safe is gone and in many ways it is like a death of a life we once knew and cherished. Separation brings about an end of our hopes our dreams and means a total change and readjustment to life and requires a rebuilding of our lives and all this takes time. If we “do it right” we do come out of the process alive and ready to live life and love life again.

A wise man once told me that “There is no way to speed up the separation process but there are lots of ways to slow it down”. Holding on to something that the other person has let go of is a futile and energy sapping act and eventually we need to accept that the relationship is over. Acceptance that the relationship that the over is an empowering place to arrive at as it can often stimulate us into taking decisive action to create stability and some form of predictability back into our lives. Acceptance of “what is” is the key to re-experiencing peace and happiness.

Ultimately acceptance means letting go of the stories that you have made your separation to mean about yourself, your ex partner and your future life. The difficulty is that it takes time for the deficit stories of what we have made separation to mean to be challenged and changed or just accepted for what they are; Stories. It takes time to gain a different perspective, to take responsibility for what didn’t work, to gather evidence that life can be good again if not better than it was. If you have separated it means that the relationship didn’t work and that means you are now in a position to create new relationship/s that do work if you choose to do so.

When we do come to terms with the separation, we can experience renewed freedom. Freedom to recreate, to re experience and to redefine. Freedom to have a renewed relationship with our children, our friends and family. Separation can be seen as an opportunity to have a renewed relationship with ourselves and with life itself.

Chris Caruana (B.A., MCoun, NZAC)
Couples Counsellor
aucklandcounselling.com
271 Kepa Rd, Mission Bay,
Auckland 1071, New Zealand
027 3187593

The post When to end a relationship: a survivors guide to separation. appeared first on Auckland Counselling: Chris Caruana.

Sternberg’s triangular theory of love gives readers an opportunity to categorize the type of relationship they have and the category of love they experience. It is useful in seeing what are the combination of factors that contribute towards the relationship and what are the elements that are detracting or need strengthening.

The triangular theory of love is a theory of love developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg. The theory characterizes love within the context of interpersonal relationships by three different components:

1. Intimacy – Which encompasses feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
2. Passion – Which encompasses drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation.
3. Commitment – Which encompasses, in the short term, the decision to remain with another, and in the long term, the shared achievements and plans made with that other.

The theory characterizes love within the context of interpersonal relationships by three different components. Different stages and types of love can be explained as different combinations of these three elements; for example, the relative emphasis of each component changes over time as an adult romantic relationship develops. A relationship based on a single element is less likely to survive than one based on two or three elements.

The three components, pictorially labelled on the vertices of a triangle, interact with each other and with the actions they produce and with the actions that produce them so as to form seven different kinds of love experiences (nonlove is not represented). The size of the triangle functions to represent the “amount” of love – the bigger the triangle the greater the love. The shape of the triangle functions to represent the “type” of love, which may vary over the course of the relationship:
Nonlove is the absence of all three of Sternberg’s components of love.

Liking/friendship in this case is not used in a trivial sense. Sternberg says that this intimate liking characterizes true friendships, in which a person feels a bond, a warmth, and a closeness with another but not intense passion or long-term commitment.

Infatuated love is pure passion. Romantic relationships often start out as infatuated love and become romantic love as intimacy develops over time. Without developing intimacy or commitment, infatuated love may disappear suddenly.

Empty love is characterized by commitment without intimacy or passion. Sometimes, a stronger love deteriorates into empty love. In cultures in which arranged marriages are common, relationships may begin as empty love and develop into one of the other forms.

Romantic love bonds individuals emotionally through intimacy and physically through passionate arousal, but neither is sustained without commitment.

Companionate love is an intimate, non-passionate type of love that is stronger than friendship because of the element of long-term commitment. Sexual desire is not an element of companionate love. This type of love is often found in marriages in which the passion has gone out of the relationship but a deep affection and commitment remain. The love ideally shared between family members is a form of companionate love, as is the love between close friends who have a platonic but strong friendship.

Fatuous love can be exemplified by a whirlwind courtship and marriage in which a commitment is motivated largely by passion without the stabilizing influence of intimacy.

Consummate love is the complete form of love, representing an ideal relationship toward which people strive. Of the seven varieties of love, consummate love is theorized to be that love associated with the “perfect couple”. According to Sternberg, such couples will continue to have great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they can not imagine themselves happy over the long-term with anyone else, they overcome their few difficulties gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with one other.[1]

However, Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it. He stresses the importance of translating the components of love into action. “Without expression,” he warns, “even the greatest of loves can die” (1987, p. 341). Thus, consummate love may not be permanent. If passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love.

References
Sternberg, Robert J. (1986). “A triangular theory of love”. Psychological Review 93 (2): 119–135. doi:10.1037/0033-295X.93.2.119. Retrieved 2007-06-27.
Sternberg, Robert J. (1988). The Triangle of Love: Intimacy, Passion, Commitment. New York: Basic Books. ISBN 0-465-08746-9.
Brehm, Sharon S. (2007). Intimate Relationships. New York: McGraw-Hill. ISBN 0-07-293801-3.

Chris Caruana
Couples Counsellor
aucklandcounselling.com
271 Kepa Rd, Mission Bay,
Auckland 1071, New Zealand
027 3187593

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The alternative option in such circumstances is surrendering and not putting your partner to the metaphorical sword when you have the power to do so and keeping the love alive. In couples therapy sessions I regularly witness couples attacking each other and I see such interrogations over trying to establish the truth as a fight for dominance over being right and wanting to be be morally one up on the other.

When in comes to contentious issues between couples, I think it’s helpful to think of love and power as co-existing on a continuum and at any point in time you can be down one end or the other. The thing is according to this way of thinking you can’t have or experience both at the same time. You can’t experience love when you are exerting your power and control over someone and you can’t experience power and control when you are totally heart open and being so present to other and experiencing love.

People generally have a lot vested at times at being right particularly when it comes to decisions made on behalf of us or times when we made decisions to appease others against our better judgement. When someone makes a decision that impacts on us that ended up not working it’s easy to feel disappointed, hurt, angry that your point of view or preference was not chosen and it’s too easy to fall back to the ”I told you so” or “why the hell did you do that?”. It’s during such times that I think it’s helpful to remind ourselves, “do you want to be right or do you want to be loved?”. Opening to the love option means opening to being, compassionate, understanding and letting go of any idea of being “one up” on others.

Another dynamic that works in conjunction with power and love is adequacy and inadequacy. These concepts can also be thought of as existing on a continuum. When we are identified or think or ourselves as being very adequate the extreme end of adequacy (“I’m so; good, successful, clever, bright ”) lands on others as arrogance. From my experience when people are so stuck in seeing themselves as adequate they are predisposed to seeing the faults and limitations of others.

People may over identify with adequacy to overcompensate for their own inadequacies or things they don’t do well and don’t want others to know, they don’t do well. This may occur because of the degree of shame or guilt around things that they don’t do well and so the best way keep others away from noticing what they don’t do well is to attack and shame them and to inflate and use their own strengths to get one up on their perceived opponents. This often ends up in entrenched positions with both parties holding the line and facing off against each other wanting or waiting for the other to give in and admit defeat.

If you can identify someone in your life or even yourself as doing this you will know how draining it is to continually being driven to find limitations in others, to critique, complain and prove yourself to be better, stronger, richer or morally superior to others. Opening to the possibility that arrogance serves the purpose of protecting us from our own inadequacies can lead to a break through. For instance some people are very mentally identified and good at arguing things through logically. They may rely upon this way of being at the expense of demonstrating more emotional intelligence because they are not good at speaking about their own emotional spectrum and may have some shame about not being competent and fluent with emotional literacy.

Maintaining an Individual focus on one partner during couples therapy can be helpful when couples are struggling through conversations around points of difference and find themselves winning the argument but missing the opportunity to meet and understand what their partner needs most. Coming to terms with what we don’t do well and protect against from others getting some insight into this dynamic may create some acceptance of ourselves as people with strengths and limitations. Doing so may increase our ability to choose how to respond to others rather than feeling compelled to react. This reaction is often a knee jerk reaction and land on others as an attack and an abuse of power.

It’s very difficult at times to know what’s driving us when we are trying to sort something out with our partners and all we know is that we are right and our partners are wrong. When we experience these tensions within relationships, having a skilled facilitator to assist create some space around how we engage and make decisions can make the world of difference to how we are with each other.

Chris Caruana (B.A., MCoun, NZAC)
Couples Counsellor
aucklandcounselling.com
271 Kepa Rd, Mission Bay,
Auckland 1071, New Zealand
027 3187593

The post Tensions within relationships: being right or being loved appeared first on Auckland Counselling: Chris Caruana.

I think that somehow when we hear ourselves say, “things are not working” another voice kicks in with “that means something really bad about the relationship and the relationship is at risk or over”. This is not the case and saying things are not working means nothing more than things are not working. I personally think that holding back from saying “things are not working” stops us from not only acknowledging the extent of the concerns but also from being able to re-create a relationship that does work. It’s almost like we have to metaphorically tear things down to the foundations before we can rebuild them otherwise I think we run the risk of doing a patch up job.

It is during this process of looking at what is not working that many couples can fall into the blame game where they hear themselves directly or indirectly being held responsible for the tensions because they “are wrong” or have done something “wrong”. As soon as the other party hears themselves being blamed the usual response is immediate hurt, anger, retaliation and a destructive exchange often unfolds or continues from unresolved hurts and actions from the past. In my opinion if these past hurts are not addressed in a way that provides understanding, compassion and forgiveness these hurts tend to fester like an infected wound waiting for the next argument to rupture the historical hurt. These unresolved past hurts directly influence present day conflicts. These past hurts are often referred to as “baggage”. Its these unresolved hurts and disappointments that tend to influence how we react to situations. If you notice yourself over reacting to situations with a heightened sense of anger, resentment, bitterness, antagonism, hostility, etc it may be because of the influence of past hurts that still linger in the background.

What can help when managing a point of difference between yourself and other is firstly understanding that problems we face are often phrased negatively. They are often stated according to what is missing and as such land as an attack or as a complaint against us. People are generally not great at speaking clearly about what it is that we are experiencing and maybe out of wanting to soften the impact of what we are saying or to not appear weak or needy we state things in a manner that lands on other as a complaint or an attack. We need to remember that problems are like coins in that they have two sides. The opposite side of saying “things are not working” is that “I want things to work but don’t know how to bring about the change needed”.

It is not always possible when we are upset or stressed to hear the positive intent behaving many of the things our prospective partners complain about or attack us with. “You spend so much time your friends” can mean, “I want you to spend more time with me and am missing your company”. “You don’t talk to me anymore” can mean “I want you to communicate with me as I’m missing our chance to connect”. Being able to hear the absent but implicit message in perceived complaints and attacks is a very useful ability and a skill. Doing so can change the focus of a conversation towards what we want to create with someone rather than focusing what is broken and not working and who is to blame and why do you not do what I need to feel wanted, appreciated, valued, desirable and loved.

Hurt is the natural internal defence mechanism when we feel attacked or rejected, and anger is the normal response to protect us from hurt. I think this is because anger as an emotion is linked to taking action to protect, like the fight or flight response. Feeling hurt and pain can lead us to just being attacked further. How many young men in particular are taught to experience and process their hurt and pain as opposed to if someone attacks you attack them back. The saying “don’t get mad get even exemplified this”.

What I believe holds the greatest possibility for hope in changing the way conflict is managed is being able to take responsibility for things done that have had a negative impact on others around us. Also learning how to address others actions when they have done something that has had a negative impact on us without attacking them back but still addressing what has clearly impacted and effected you can make a huge difference to how tricky or delicate situations are resolved. This is a skill I now coach couples to do and it is these skills that hold the potential to transform how we manage contentious issues and resolve them in a manner where both parties can feel like their integrity has been maintained.

Restoring the love in your relationship means that we deal with hurts in a way that allows the dignity of all parties involved to be maintained and it is from restoring dignity where shame and guilt preside that healing takes place. The process “restorative” has stemmed from restorative justice practices where a perpetrator and victim meet and address what has happened in a blame free and robust manner. The perpetrator gets to acknowledge what they have done and the impact it has had. The victim gets to hear the perpetrator empathise with them and fully understand how they have hurt them. It also provides the opportunity for apologies for harm to be made and received in a sincere manner which is an important part of the forgiveness process.

Change comes about when an aggrieved party gets to hear their partner acknowledge and understand the harm they have caused. The person hurting gets to hear the person who has caused harm take responsibility, acknowledge the fullness of the impact their actions have had. They also get to discuss any other measures that can be taken to address the harm caused as an indication of their investment to put things right again.

I believe it’s not about what the hurt or damage was that determines the chances of successfully moving on from it. It’s about how robustly and safely the hurt and damage is explored and dealt with that determines how the relationship moves forward. Hurt is just that hurt. Hurt has no morality. Hurt is an indication that something is not right and needs to be put right so we can move forward. This is where being able to be coached in how to name what is not working in a way that does not blame or identify your partner as being wrong or at fault is critical. Being able to identify what happened, how the others actions impacted on you and getting agreement with your partner about what moving forward looks like is an important part of the moving forward process.

As a result of working with concepts like broken integrity and restoration of harm done I have personally seen major shifts in how couples open to being authentic with each other about what has caused pain and damage to themselves and the relationship they share. This way of working holds hope and the immediate opportunity for addressing the pain and hurt that once resolved allows for the possibility for forgiveness and love to flourish once again.

It does however take something for couples to get to this place including: time, a willingness to open to possibility of change, trust and an environment that can manage and hold all of the unresolved stories and emotions that keep people apart, feeling stuck and unable to move forward together.
By Chris Caruana, MA (Couns)

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This commitment provides many with the stimulus to create a family home, a foundation for the raising of children and the eventual accumulation of financial wealth (investments, businesses, retirement funds) as well as years of precious memories with their beloved. I doubt that on that special day, either of the parties are thinking that one day everything they are yet to co-create together will be torn apart and come to a sudden and bitter end.

The facts are that about 4 out of 10 New Zealand couples who make a life long commitment to each other, end up with their dreams shattered and their lives in disarray on average within 13 years of announcing their love and eternal devotion to each other.

For some, the love they once experienced is eroded away gradually like a slow death and, for others, it comes as a sharp realization that their once-blissful relationship has forever changed. The trust, respect and security they once enjoyed has disappeared and the harsh reality kicks in that the love of their life wants the relationship to end, or even worse, is giving the best of themselves to someone else.

Many who “tie the knot” do so accepting that they are making a life long commitment and do so willingly. Why is it then, if there is such good will on the big day, before too long so many people end up to feeling like they have made the biggest mistake of their lives? It is quite common when a relationship is struggling, for people to believe they have married the wrong person and end up seeking out family lawyers, support groups, therapists, and dating sites as attempts to curb the pain, get even, gain access to children and finances, or find another partner with whom they may be better suited.

As a counsellor who works with couples facing difficulties, I can’t help wondering about what often changes in the first few years of committed couple life? What transforms excitement, hope and love to boredom, dread and resentment? How much of these changes are linked in with the signing of a contractual agreement that has death as the only out clause? Why do some relationships struggle?

Why is it that many couples second time around, are adamant that they would rather advocate for an alternative agreement or arrangement, that will have a better chance of keeping the love they experience alive?

Could something within the process of getting married or an equivalent ceremony that binds couples together “forever more”, no matter what, be inadvertently contributing towards the demise of that relationship?

Just think about it for a moment. An intelligent, educated, aware, couple cohabit or get married with the intent of having a family and building a life together. What usually happens? The female partner may decide to get pregnant. As a result, she loses a degree of independence. And often, as a result, her career is sacrificed or suffers. Her source of identity and financial freedom take a hit – all for a life dominated by endless and thankless cleaning, cooking, shopping, child-rearing and on top of that the possibility of also working outside the home.

She is often expected to drive the family station wagon or a car that is definitely not in the same league of her money-earning partner. She may be given a modest budget to stick to. She maybe inadvertently made to feel guilty for spending too much on the children, on her own wardrobe, getting her hair or nails done, or on morning tea with other mums – who are finding their way in a world dictated by suckling and demanding babies with minimal support. At the same time it is perfectly ok for the man (being the main money earner) to shout his mates a round of drinks or even the odd lap dance on a regular basis! Hmmm…..

Much has been written over the last few decades in academic circles about this sense of male privilege, a taken-for-granted sense of entitlement that men across many cultures grow up with. It is almost as if there is an unspoken and unchallenged expectation that women in committed relationships should sacrifice and take up support roles and even keep earning some money, while taking care of the children and all domestic tasks as well.

Some would say that both men and women are conditioned to take up these roles and men are also victims to these dominant gender ideas. They end up working long hours and chasing big dollars to prove their masculinity and potency, or because their partners overtly expect them to. For some men, the expectation of going out and doing battle every day is also a tragic story. But so many find it too emasculating to admit it, let alone do something to address the internal conflict they experience.

I’m not surprised, however, that it is often the women who instigate change in the dynamics of the relationship. They often encourage their male counterparts to couples counselling and the like. Usually they are the ones with more invested in creating an alternative future or a preferred way of cooperating with their male partners. These partners are often oblivious or rather blinded by their position of privilege to see what the problem is, or that there is even a problem at all.

As a counsellor with a special interest in relationships, my thoughts are that we need to move beyond popularized and simplistic understandings of what men and women want, need and expect from each other. Traditional resolution strategies and techniques often sideline the political context that keeps gender struggles alive.

It is my belief that starting to wise up and question how males and females are set up to see each other as the problem, can open up a whole new conversation that holds more hope and possibility about the sort of relationships people prefer to create, rather than the ones that many of us are raised to emulate.

Chris Caruana (B.A., MCoun, NZAC)
Couples Counsellor
aucklandcounselling.com
271 Kepa Rd, Mission Bay,
Auckland 1071, New Zealand
027 3187593

The post Why some relationships struggle appeared first on Auckland Counselling: Chris Caruana.

Read article: Talk it through and Hope Springs.

Auckland-based councillor Chris Caruana said Hope Springs was a big talking point among marriage guidance clients but not every story had a happy ending.

“Often one partner is attending just to keep the other one happy and have no intention of changing their ways.

“They are usually there looking for a way out of the relationship.”

The post NZ Herald: Talk it through and Hope Springs appeared first on Auckland Counselling: Chris Caruana.

Read article: Kiwis flock to site with naughty name.

Relationship counsellor Chris Caruana, from website AucklandCounselling.com, criticised the site for encouraging infidelity.

“Affair isn’t a word used for single people. Single people hook up, single people get it together, single people have liaisons. But married people have affairs.

“It’s a soft inviting term to legitimise people who aren’t satisfied with the confines of their relationship, to legitimise having sex outside of that relationship.”

Mr Caruana said everyday he saw the hurt and damage affairs had caused to people, which violated what “was at the core of what is deemed to be sacred in a relationship”.

While people often justified their cheating, ultimately it was destructive and many relationships could not survive it, he said.

The post NZ Herald: Kiwis flock to site with naughty name – have an affair appeared first on Auckland Counselling: Chris Caruana.

Read article: Surviving pilot playing plane collision game.

Auckland counselling specialist Chris Caruana said crash survivors often felt “paralysed” by anxiety.

He said: “The ability to deal with such an event means managing some intense psychological issues which are exacerbated … a need to mentally re-enact or relieve the events in some way in order to know what could have been done differently.”

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